Author: jdgreenqfe

As we say goodbye to another month I realize that time rolls on no matter what is going on in life, and you either roll with it or get swallowed up by it. This has been a tough month, so many happy things going on, and so many sad things. My heart is both joyous and full of sorrow.

Summer is almost here and the days are getting longer. My children are getting older, and time has begun sprinting.

Time to see some old friends and remember who I am, remember to move forward, remember to love and laugh.

Where do I go from here? Keep working, keep helping the kids live in a world that is ever changing, keeping them prepared for their future.

We went to a funeral this week and I have watched my son’s heart break twice, my daughter once, but it has never been at the same time. The physical pain I feel when I witness this is almost unbearable, though I would never let them know. They are so brave. They, of their own accord, spoke at the funeral. As each one spoke I felt a pain in my heart that I can not describe. It is not just sorrow for their pain, or the mothers want to wish away their pain, it is an actual physical pain I have only felt when their hearts have been deeply broken. Does anyone else feel this?

It brings to mind something someone told me (and had witnessed) – the third function of the heart.  The first two are simple, they are in all of the medical books, but the third is beyond science. He told me of a couple that were very in love and committed relationship, however the husband needed a heart  transplant. He witnessed their journey through all of the up’s and down’s before the transplant then after the successful surgery they met their doctor once again. This time the wife was still very emotionally present, however the husband was not. He knew his wife and understood they were married, but he literally did not have any emotion towards her good or bad. He did however have emotion towards his flesh and blood children. The doctor pulled my friend aside and said that this happens more often then people think, and he believes there is something to your feelings toward another human and your own heart. Amazing.

Yes, I feel my heart is the same. I feel more then emotion.

March, full of hope. Spring is here and it seems everyone comes out of their winter funk and is happier again. This year we are planning a trip around my home state not sure when, but it will be grand! I can’t wait!

We continue to whittle down our belongings and live a freer life by clearing out the clutter. I read a wonderful book, “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning”, and it has opened my eyes. I do not want my kids to have to grieve and clear out my clutter.  As I am doing this, I realize I had so much weight on my shoulders that seemed to come from too much stuff. Sounds crazy, right? It isn’t though. I have had less knickknacks to dust, more shelf space for pictures (that always makes me happy), and just less to worry or think about. I have very few things in boxes put away. Everything I hold dear is out for me to enjoy, and talk about as it is out there as a conversation piece. Love that!

Soon my last child will be moving out and we will officially be empty nesters. I am looking forward to that, and moving to the next phase of my relationship’s with my children. It will be wonderful. I can concentrate on the two of us as a couple, as we move into our next phase, and visits with the kids will be enjoyable, and more meaningful then cleaning up and other things when you are under the same roof. As of this post, we are T-minus 6 months away from that time. I will love the last few months, but will enjoy seeing them fly on their own.

…and counting.

Well it is February and I will soon be the Mom of a 24-year-old. I can’t believe it! I am now, we will say, between 45-55 and life is good. I have a roof over my head, two thriving kids, and food on the table. Yet some days I struggle with happiness. Why you ask? I am not 100% sure. Maybe it is because the expectations I have for myself are always higher than I can reach. It’s not that I set the bar too high, or are too unmotivated to get there, but each time I almost feel like I always think, “well if you would have done…then you would be that much more…” Why do I do this? Who knows. This year tackling ‘not sweating the small stuff’ is my goal, and tossing that bar! LOL.

In 2016, when I walked away from a job of 21 years I felt better than I had in years. I took a few months to clear my head, and then took a few months to clear the closets, literally. I tossed out so much “stuff” that I realized was really weighing me down, I just didn’t know it until I tossed it. Crazy, right? After I had this cleansing, I picked up a book that really helped shed some light on what I accomplished with this cleaning. The book seemed to be in my head, it was exactly what I was thinking and feeling while doing this “cleanse”! This book helped me see that I wasn’t crazy, which is what some of my family members started to think when I had first started. Now a few of them are doing the same thing. And no, it is probably not the book you are thinking. It was written by a lovely Swedish woman, and I would love to thank her for letting me know I am on a good path of practice. Thank you.

Today I work from home as a project admin/mngr for a company out of a different state then I currently reside. It is different then what I am used to, everything is virtual. I no longer leave the house for work. I have been there for almost a year, and yet I still can’t quite get used to it. I can work abroad, and just take the company issued laptop with me. Most days I try to get house cleaning done in the morning before I start work, and sometimes it is right up to the minute. I am thankful for the job though, it keeps my mind sharp and I have learned so many new software programs, different ways to handle training and how to work virtually. I feel like I am more relevant in the work place. No matter how much you try to get a company to be forward thinking, you still get stuck in their tunnel vision. This job was like a breath of fresh air.

I think this is enough for today. Thank you for reading!